On the bright side, I'm now the girlfriend of an I.T God...

Wednesday, 25 October 2017

I guess every now and then this blog will be used as a way to vent, but venting isn't the right word to use for this post. I'd say more attempting to help others who were in my situation.

In November 2016 I really surprised myself and those around me. A three and a half year relationship had ended... I can already hear you either sighing or feeling sorry for me. Honestly though, I don't need it. The funny thing about this was I should have been heart broken and I mean fucking heart broken. The type you go nuts and either shag anything or don't move for 9 years in mourning for a relationship that died a death. I remember the moment it happened, I don't think I'll ever forget it. It was power play and whilst I crumpled on the floor he was stood there not upset, but almost powerful. He walked out the door and my mum hugged him (fuck knows why she did this because she hated him...) and told him he'd be back as we were meant to be. My mum called my Cousin Kate and said I think Victoria will need you, and my dad was called. I text Abbi, she instantly came over with Ben & Jerrys, a card (Which I will keep forever) and we watched Beauty & the Beast. Now this is where things get a bit funny, because the moment Abbi walked through the door with the supplies a girl needs during a break-up, my Mum, Dad and Abbi were downstairs high-fiving each other, because they knew that once he had left I wouldn't take him back and trust me that was the best thing for me. 

I had a few tears, but nothing major and the next morning sent a text, basically begging for him back and that I couldn't give up on someone I loved. (Embarrassing I know, trust me if I could go back in time I'd slap me for being a weak bitch) Anyway I didn't attend university that day, chose to stay in bed, but by 10AM I was like what the fuck am I doing? I had a niggling feeling in my stomach that something wasn't quite right with the whole situation, but I still couldn't believe I'd let myself sit in bed and not attend the university I had worked my arse off to get into to. I took a 'me' week and by Friday I felt normal. I wasn't lonely or bothered anymore. I was fucking cold though, which was apparently my body reacting to the loss of a person. On Friday, I gave my dad a hug and broke down, but not because I'd been left. I cried, because for the first time in almost four years I realised I had hurt my dad for a boy... and a fucking stupid boy at that. I apologised to my dad and offered to take him out to a garden centre. There are a choice few moments in my life that I believed my dad would cry, you know the usual- graduation; my wedding day or when I produce the first grandchild, but I hadn't expected him to get upset at this. Mainly, because he was so happy he had gotten his little girl back and probably, because he realised I was about to get my shit together big time!

Saturday came and fuck me was I still feeling good and I felt the most alive I'd felt in almost four years. I arranged to see Kate and swiftly headed to Warrington. There we had wine, Pizza and I reiterated the story. Got a bit emotional (I blame the alcohol) and headed to bed feeling a billion times better. For the purposes of this story I will give people different names, because I'm not a bitch, although part of me wishes I was. Then about 3AM I got a text of B, A's Best Friend, telling me that A hadn't gotten on anyone out of respect for me. This made me feel physically sick and I text back asking if there was hope that we would get back together (I'm an idiot and you'll learn that a lot from this blog). B said he couldn't say and that was that. I had an assignment due for uni that I hadn't yet done and Kate helped me figure out how to find Caselaw for it and off I trotted home. At this point C was face timing me, another of A's friends, asking how I was and trying to generally cheer me up. I later realised that 99% of A's friends stayed friends with me for one reason... that being to report back to A. I'm pretty sure they still do, but I've moved on, A's moved on and we're both happier... So I'm quite happy to let them detail pieces of my new life. 

Over the coming weeks I lost a lot of weight. Mainly, because I was dancing most of the time or walking. People put it down to the break up, but truth was I didn't give a shit... I'd lost weight, because I was eating right and dancing. I improved myself and got my head down at university. I didn't speak to A, attempted to maintain friendly contact with B, C and a few other letters in the alphabet. I made new friends at university and went out on nights out (a photo awkwardly got shared by A's step grandad as he obviously wasn't quite aware we had split up), I managed to enjoy myself, but other men made me uncomfortable. I didn't like them speaking to me or even trying to dance with me on nights out and I quickly realised that having a one night stand wasn't going to work for me. I'm just more of a homemaker I guess (I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with one night stands at all! I'm pretty sure they're damn fucking fantastic... just not my cup of tea). Everyone said to get over someone you've got to get under someone. Christ even A's friends were convincing me that was a good idea, almost encouraging it even...

I met up with C as he went to a different university, stayed at his student house (nothing happened contrary to what people may think), I had a bit of a cry once 'A is really upset and cut up over the break up' got mentioned and I was slightly tearful the next day talking about it, but once I got home I realised I didn't care about A. Not in the way I should of done. Bar my one feeble text I didn't attempt to win A back. I just focused on me... 

Christmas came and went pretty damn uneventfully. I watched suits, realised I'd be fucking shit up in a Courtroom in a couple of years time and that life goes on. Boxing day came I got drunk, me and A always had a tradition of seeing each other on this day. My family were supportive with offers of 'we can bury him you just gotta say the word' and I surprised myself, I just smiled and stated it wouldn't be necessary, no man is worth that amount of hassle and we don't need to do jail time for a boy who was a mere speck on my timeline of life. (I was fucking proud of myself, I realised I was a queen who had been dating a peasant, and trust me that is the way you've got to think ladies). 

New years came and I spent it with the mutual friends I had retained, A was working (Thank Fuck) and we all got drunk. In fact, I got very drunk, ended up crying to D and basically went home early a bit deflated and a fricking mess, again not because I'd been left, but because something came out that night that changed everything. The alphabet of friends in their drunken haze, fatally fucked up by telling me A had been cheating on me... Awkwardly it turns out that most of our old high school knew and actually a shit tonne of people I considered friends. 

New years day came and I decided 'New year New me', got a haircut- cut off another usual 6 inches... girls if you know you know ;), and ended up meeting the one person who ended up changing my life forever... Fucking bizarre how things pan out. Me and A texted once or twice, but it wasn't there, it all felt forced and, because I knew what I knew it was never going to come back. I started my new life with the wonderful Andy on January 15th (Not a rebound, despite it being very soon after, I was ready and that is a story for another post) and truthfully I haven't looked back since. 

The alphabet of friends have tried to contact me via fake twitter accounts, even went as far as putting Andy and A side by side in a collage on Facebook... Not only that, but I guess their favourite hobby, from the screenshots I get sent every couple of months or so, is slagging me off in their group chat. I'll admit I probably was a nightmare two years ago... I was nowhere near the person I am today and for that I am so thankful. I've grown up, matured and blossomed in ways I never thought possible. I've gained a job I never imagined I could get and a year in advanced of my current level and where I need to be. I have my own flat with a wonderful man and I wouldn't change one bit of it. 

Breakups either make or break you... I've got to say mine absolutely made me. I smashed second year of university and me and my Dad often joke that if this hadn't happened to me I would have dropped out of university and be facing a life of misery. The scary thing is that that is spot on. People can be toxic... Hell me and A were a nuclear form of toxic mix and brought out the absolute worst in each other. It wasn't a healthy relationship and it took being outside of it to realise that. In hindsight we should have split up after year one... In hindsight I should have told him to fuck off the moment our relationship impacted on my family; a mistake I will never forgive myself for... That's the peculiar thing about hindsight, you suddenly realise every mistake you made...

I often wonder did I need to go through that relationship to make me a better person and put me on the right track in my life? Everything happens for a reason, without the breakup I wouldn't have any of what I have now... I wouldn't be in this powerful situation and have the opportunity to change the world by being a Solicitor. 

What I'm trying to say is a break up isn't game over... It is a new chance to create a better version of you. I like to think of myself as Tori.2, the better, brighter and shinier version of Tori.1 with a better operating system (in terms of my state of mind- again a post for another place and another time). 

You need to remember that you are a Queen and sometimes certain men become Peasants, you outgrow them and need to move on. Keep doing you Boo and the right people will be attracted to you... Take some time for you and go out and knock em dead once you're ready. If I can do it... fucking anyone can!!! 

Until Next Time 

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